Are we all war children ?

War child. Children brought up in the conflict of war often traumatised by what they have seen and experienced.

Countries outside war zones used to have at some insulation from the terrible events that tend to enfold on a day to day basis. Unfortunately, the media obsession with reporting ‘for our own good’ has brought War ever closer to our communities and homes. Its difficult to avoid detailed recreations of some of the most horrific events happening through the world. Do we really think that just because this is on TV, then it doesn’t effect us ? Do we believe that such horrific events don’t seep inside our being – and particularly our children – giving us adverse feelings about human nature and ourselves.

Perhaps if we examine this further there are also other sources of war trauma. Is there really such a difference between ‘conflict’ as shown in war, and ‘conflict’ shown in a soap opera or by family aggression or neighbours in the street. Maybe on one level,  there really isn’t much difference between violence caused by guns and violence caused by words. Do you really think that words cant hurt, wound or kill ?

In the western world, mental health problems are spiralling out of control. Services just cant’ keep up with the increases in depression, anxiety, fear and anger. Perhaps even more disturbing is the increase in issue with children. There is unlikely to be a single explanation, we live multilayered complex lives.  However perhaps the best start is to look deeply in ourselves. Become self-aware of our feelings consider how changes in what we consume (watch and expose ourselves too), and how we behave may affect ourselves and those around us.

Authentic change and growth.

I am a sucker for self help books. Several times a week I think about a subject I want to know more about and I’m off to Amazon ! This has left me with a couple of book cases bursting at the seams and a kindle full of things I haven’t read.
Its all too easy to become a self development junkie. When we find ourself lacking we naturally seem to seek for an answer, try to find a solution to ‘fix’ ourselves or make our life better.
But how much of this self development effort actually ever sticks ? It’s easy to be enthused with a new thought or concept of living, an image of happiness, but change is often a fleeting condition. Within a few weeks everything is back to normal and we are seeking new answers to new questions without the old ones really being resolved.

My opinion ( and it is only an opinion ) is that we trust to knowledge far too much. Knowledge is easy to obtain, wisdom is a lot harder but change is really really hard. Especially if your going through it on your own, unsupported.

Much research has gone into what makes counselling work. Why it produce’s such profound effect and transformation. The most important single element has been found to be the relationship you have with your counsellor/therapist. It’s a relationship that should include a non-judgmental attitude, advanced empathy and positive regard. It provokes the most extraordinary changes in people. Although now backed up by evidence, we don’t really need science to tell us this. We just need to look back at major events in our lives, events that have changed us and you will usually find a relationship at the heart of it. 
Counselling provides a place, a moment and a relationship to help us grow. It’s almost as if our counsellor becomes a mirror, reflecting back our true self , where we can see our real motives, meanings, emotions and potential. A fertile ground where the business of growth, self development and recovery can really begin.
Maybe its time to put the books away, it’s good to talk.

Time is our friend.

 

Time is a problem. Most of us never have enough of it .

Despite having more time saving devices, technology and techniques, the time we have is forever getting squeezed, and the time we make just gets taken up by other important issues.

It doesn’t  matter wether your a business person, a full time mum, a professional or someone who is struggling to find a place in life, the problem of how we spend time can make us feel overwhelmed, anxious and guilty.

It seems like we have to be so efficient and great at everything. A great parent, employee, partner. And at the end of the day, or week, there is nothing left  for us. Is this truly what life is about ?

Being ‘Busy’ can be great. It can make us feel alive. We can thrive on it. Being over-busy is damaging to us, and can also affect those who depend on us.

There are many practical tools and techniques that can help us managing our time. Often these are all that are required to gain back quality of life. However sometimes the real  issue is more complex. Some of the issue’s with over-busy lives are connected to our thoughts and emotions. Guilt, fear, self worth are drivers of what I term  – Time Anxiety.

Somewhere between our need to ‘solve the problems of life and to ‘solve the problems of living’, There is a place where things could just tick by nicely. A place where we can breath and can experience ourselves. A place where we can truly feel alive, where time becomes a friend. Many of us sense this. We just don’t know how to find it. Counsellors and coaches are companions in this journey. Don’t be shy. Its truly worth it.

How to solve your problems. The answer is here.

We just can’t go through life without dealing with problems. No matter how experienced we become, how ‘adult’ we try to be, problems particularly with relationships present a painful challenge.  So…… whilst sitting outside a chip shop, devouring a piece of cod I became inspired to work out this once and for all.

There are three-way we can deal with all problems in life. We can choose to deal with it,
Ignore it or embrace it.

I believe that we are trained throughout our childhood and early adult life to mostly ‘deal’ with problems. To work out a solution which encompasses maximum self-protection. This usually ends up in abandonment of any attempt to pursue compassionate objectives, concerning ourselves with number 1, the survival instinct.

We can also choose to ignore our problem. Hope things will change and the problem will go away. And sometimes it does, sometimes changes occur in a person or a circumstance that nullify or minimise an issue until its significance becomes irrelevant. However here is nearly always consequences to this. The infection still exists, the damage has being done. There is no recovery, growth or learning. We are often left with an unacknowledged fear or denial that we will have to face again.

Another perhaps more radical approach is that of acceptance and embracement. This is an acknowledgement that a problem can teach us something, that it is an opportunity to develop and enhance our lives. I find personally that once I begin to embrace and value others who i have considered to be a problem, my whole world changes. A whole new point of view opens up before me. I learn how to be a better Human. Of course, embracing others isn’t always welcomed, it takes a particular gentle courage and persistence. But If i stick in there, it always pays in buckets. Once I embrace others I often find I have a new companion, i find have discovered a new part of me, and a new future path emerges.

Now this isn’t a case of good and bad, right or wrong. All the responses above have their place, and to be able to choose how to respond is a good place to be. But i can honesty say that in my life to  embrace those who challenge me has always been the best decision.

Of course it’s very simple when written down. Knowledge is easy to attain, but to turn it into action is usually very difficult. The difficulty is that our nature is not pure reason. Our reason is mixed with emotion, and emotion is the most difficult mastery to attain in the universe. That’s why it can be painful learning to be Human, to develop. Development is associated with childhood and thought to end when you become 21 ! But of course this just isn’t true. Most of the challenges we face in life will all come down to the existential dilemma of reason versus emotion. Both equally valuable, both equally frustrating. But perhaps it helps us when we understand we do have a choice. We don’t have to react in ways that make situations worse, or that hurt others. There is always a way out in which we become a better person, and the world becomes a nicer place.

You can be anything you want…… except you can’t.

Modern society strongly promotes ideals of personal responsibility and choice. It’s not just promoted, the foundations of capitalism depend on it. We are educated to believe that with commitment and hard work anyone can become rich and successful. This system is called a Meritocracy. In a Meritocracy power and wealth SHOULD belong to those that deserve it through successful and elite performance. This also suggests that those in poverty deserve their positions as well.

There are many holes in this system. One of these is an assumption for equality. Many would agree that there is no real equality in society, In ANY society, and realistically there never will be. This isn’t being negative its plain fact. The principle of equality goes against every law of nature. Those who like to walk in the countryside recognise the natural laws that enfold before our eyes. Thats why many people are fascinated by nature.  This is where we can observer the authentic unfolding of life without interference from civilization. Everything is different, every animal is born with different strengths and abilities that reflect their chance of survival. A lion is ideally equipped to take its place at the top of the food chain, the fragile antelope will forever be required to watch its back ! This doesn’t mean the antelope is valued any less. It fulfils a different role in ecology and balence.

Instead of trying to learn from the laws of nature, we like to believe we can change them. We seem to think that by creating society we become gods and can do anything. The truth however is that we occupy the same rules of existence as every other living entity on the planet.

Here we see the influence of the christian culture on our mostly secular society. We just don’t want to accept that we are part of nature. We want to believe we are separate from it, something different. A ‘Special Creation’ destined to rule over the natural powers that we observe around us. While we hold onto this view we can never be in harmony and balance.

There are many boundaries that stop most of us from achieving what can be perceived as ‘greatness’ or riches. Some of these are obvious, others more subtle, Some are innate, others are through choice. To gain anything, we have to give something up or let something go, and often this is a price we are not prepared to pay.

There is a difference between understanding that we have control and accountability in our lives and believing we can achieve anything. In an age where performance and success is mapped to self worth, many of us try to climb the slippery slope to satisfy the worlds requirements. This often involves expends time and energy in futile activities. Energy that could be spent in seeking goals related to improving the quality of our live’s. Happiness, contentment and wellbeing.

Most of us have blindly accepted the subtle messages which dictate what ‘success’ means. What we really need to do is to start to personally define what greatness and riches mean to us, given our boundaries in life, and embrace Authentic Living.

Doing and being.

Education through school prepares us to be an adult in a increasingly complex and progressive society. We are prepared and enabled to make judgments and provide solutions. Unfortunately this prevailing sense of ‘Doing’, often means we sacrifice other natural sides to ourself. That of simply ‘Being’. There is no single right way to approach life – ‘Doing’ and ‘Being’  both have their place, However finding a balance can be difficult when there is so much pressure to move forward in our all areas of our life. Personal, professionally and economically there is a prevailing sense that to move forward we have to be ‘Doing’ .

Perhaps to be healthy we need to have balance in all things, but the middle way can be hard to find. Maybe by embracing a few short points and turning them into behaviours we can find this balance that leads to a happier more for-filling experience of life.

Automatic pilot instead of conscious choice.

Our Automatic pilot is very useful. It gets us were we need to be . So much of what we do becomes a force of habit which in many cases takes us away from the reality of an experience. It effects not only  our actions but also out behaviour. Many learnt behaviours from being young become defacto ways of responding to stressful situations. It often runs on past experiences of fear and anxiety. The problems with running on automatic is that it robs us of choice,  takes away our awareness of a situation. Mindfulness gives us back this choice. It allows us experience the true nature of the moment and make informed decisions as to how we really feel.

Analysing instead of sensing

We have become so good and analysing, process and conceptualising. We are taught not to take anything as it appears, but to scrutinise and question. Its a very handy skill in such a competitive world. However we are much more than just logical beings. Dependance on knowledge and intellectual analysis neglects our primary senses and powers of perception.  Our sense’s allows us to experience the world as it truly is. By getting back in touch with our senses we are re-discovering ourselves. The rush of the world inevitably  erodes our presence in the world.

Striving instead of accepting.

‘Doing’ often involves judging and comparing the world with how we would like it to be. Our attention becomes focused on the gap between how things are and how we want things to be. This can leave us with a deep sense of dissatisfaction and can cause us to take action that ultimately leads to unhappiness. Life can become a constant campaign for a level of perfection that can never happen. Being mode invites you to suspend this judgment, to stand aside and watch the world unfold in front of you, To approach a problem without pre-conception or fear.

Seeing thoughts as solid and real instead if treating them as mental events.

Our thoughts are not us. They are mental events much the same as the random currents and forces in the ocean. A mental event rises and then falls to be replace by something else. Through meditation we can learn to observe our mind. We can see and follow our thoughts and even learn to see humour in them. In ‘Doing’ mode. we often hold onto thoughts, seeking truth where there is none, and mistake them for reality. In ‘Being’ mode we learn to observe out thoughts and see them as they truly are.

Avoidance versus Approaching.

‘Doing’ mode forces us to avoid potential areas of trouble. This is of course natural and in many circumstances very helpful. But avoidance can become a habit and start a path of fear and anxiety. We don’t develop complexes about reality, but about experiences that consume our imagination. We begin to act out in our imagination the things we fear the most.  ‘Being’ mode encourages us to approach difficult experiences in a friendly and gentle way. To develop an a compassionate interest in the pain, fear and sadness, Compassion dissipate the power of negative feelings.

Mental time travel versus remaining in the present moment.

Memories and the ability to use them to plan is vital to our lives. But they are heavily influenced by our prevailing mood. Under stress we tend to remember the bad things and it becomes difficult to reflect on the good. Thinking about the future is influenced by similar emotions. Thinking ahead often produces feelings of fear and anxiety. We RELIVE past events and RE-FEEL their pain. We PRE-LIVE future disasters an PRE-FEEL their impact. Through mindfulness and meditation we can train our mind to observe these events and bring us back to the present. There is only one true moment and that is NOW.

Depleting versus nourishing activities.

In ‘Doing’ mode we easily get caught up in activities that keep us in our mind. So much mind time is spent on the future and how it can be influence for the better. We can get trapped in the future striving to solve problems that don’t exist and may never exist. An unbalanced life depletes us and take away our sense of self. ‘Being’ mode helps us to understand and see the activities that nourish us, and the things that deplete us.

Mindfulness make us more skilful with life.

Do what you Love.

Its difficult to accept ourselves these days. There are so many influences trying to tell us to be different.
The one that I fall foul of is the need to find – or create opportunity.  Its great to see and hear of people that have worked hard to achieve their goal but to do so can sometimes makes us feel somewhat lacking inside. Phrases like ‘anyone can do it’ , ‘its inside of us all’,  make us ask ourselves why we haven’t managed to achieve similar things, and that we should do better. More and more we are encouraged to embrace the idea that hard work and resolute single mindedness will conquer all. Is this really true ? Is success all down to just hard work and commitment ?

In my experience there is a vital link missing in this formula. Without it all goals and dreams of experience come to nought. We can build up high expectation, seek out opportunities but often all comes troubling down in a pile of anxiety ridden stress.

Drive, determination and sheer hard work through expectations, career opportunities, personal projects is never enough and can often lead to exhaustion, frustration and further injury to an already shaky self worth.

The secret ingredient is simply to do what you love and love what you do.

Don’t give in the the pressure that often appeal to our unconscious through what we consume via social media, the the TV and the misguided expectations of others. Its all too easy to begin to take our happiness for granted. An in fact we seem to be encouraged to never be content, always to be seeking some new challenge, experience a new level of challenge.
“Buy this .. and you will be happy”, “Become this….”, and you will be happy. There is a major pressure to be ‘doing’ rather then just “being’.

Take a moment. An hour, a day, a week, however long it takes to really get to know yourself. Look at things in a different and mindful way and you will begin to experience your true self. A self that expresses itself in the things we love.