Who needs Counselling ?

“Im not sure I need counselling” is one of the most frequent opening phrases in first counselling sessions.

Going to counselling is a difficult step for most people. For many it is a great unknown, a source of anxiety in itself. Lets face it, traditional British culture doesn’t often encourage us to seek help. We live in a society that treasures independence and derives strength from being able to cope. Be strong, Be perfect is the unconscious mantra of many. This often unconscious thought becomes a thin veil separating how we think we should be and who we really are. Perhaps the truth is best summed up in a saying from long ago.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle

Problems, suffering and struggle define much of our lives. Following close to this are our failures and successes. This applies to all of us, its a universal law. From the most successful business people in the world to the homeless woman on the street, we all face the same human ‘givens’, the reality of suffering in our experience.

Talking to others is a well accepted strategy to help us in our difficulties. Talking helps us to view ourself and situations from other points of view. It helps us to to reflect, and perhaps take action based on reality rather than on deceptions that we unknowingly create in out mind.

Talking to friends is great but often we need more. We need someone who is totally independent. Someone who knows how to listen, who will not judge us and who understands. Someone who could listen to everything, what is said and what is unsaid. Perhaps even someone who intuitively understands the things that we find impossible to put into words. This is the role of the professional counsellor.

All too often people suffer greatly for a long time before seeing a counsellor. Its seen as a ‘last resort’ rather than a first choice. In the means time the problems just get worse, and we sink deeper into our struggle.

Professional Counselling can make a difference. Its not just a safety net but a practical and positive step in strengthening our ability to live. There is no magic, no complex formula or secret knowledge, just the ancient truth that positive relationships with someone who can accept us, not judge us and want to connect with us have positive effects on our lives, its good to talk.

Taking the right path…

Living can be so complicated. We need to make decisions, decisions that work for us, but the further life progresses, the harder this becomes. We feel entrenched in the decisions of the past, It feels like the decisions we make when we are young set the direction, limiting our possibilities in later life. Some decisions can sit on our shoulders for months or even years without any real resolution.

Recently I had a big decision to make, it ate away at me for a long time and the longer it lingered the more confused and unclear the situation seemed to be. Yet, a few days ago I had what I describe as a dharma moment, a flash of clarity prompted in this case by watching someone walk past the coffee shop window. A sentence formed in my mind,

“After you put aside Attachment, Ambition and Expectation the obvious becomes the right thing to do”

Heavy stuff.

Dharma moment’s are very personal and often lose their meaning when attempting to explain to others. but I shall endeavour to do so.

Attachment, ambition and expectation often work together to create a world that is not real, a version of reality that exists only in our mind . Usually a version that can never be real, things we can never really have and hence we get teased and are in danger of becoming delusional by our own thinking.

Attachment. We can get attached to ideas, people, philosophy, and idealisms about ourselves and others. But to move forward we have to see these in their true context. We should try to understand that the object of these attachments worked ‘in-their-moment’, but have no further value. Put simply we have to learn to recognise and use their value then let them go. Nothing is forever. Often our idealism becomes our attachment, the way we think the world should be, but of cause isn’t. Perhaps what we view as ‘the world’ isn’t actually ‘our world’.

Ambition. We are brought up believing in ambition, to see it as a wholly positive influence in our lives. However in many cases ambition causes us a conflict of personality. We try to become our ambition, forcing ourself down roads we were never intended or suitable to follow. We want so much to get ’X’, or be ‘X’, and this can make us blind, unable to appreciate just how wonderful our real life, or situation really is. Recent world events have demonstrated that the push for young people to ‘reach out to the sky and claim their ambition’, has done nothing for promoting stable mental health. Suicide amongst young people is higher than ever.

Expectations. We are fraught with expectation, from significant others to expectation of ourself, often powered by low self worth. Expectation has done nothing to make people happier or healthier. We are surrounded by generations who have little self-awareness and just want to be someone else, somewhere else and have something else. Nothing is ever good enough.

Life has a momentum of its own. Life simply is, and given space we will all move naturally forward, positive growth of need and self-realisation through to what psychologists call self-actualisation. Each decision we make will be reinforced and informed by the circumstances around us. A decision can be a real burden, it weighs us down, takes away our happiness and positive wellbeing. There is often no easy or quick resolution to this, but the answers is always there in our mind, we are the true experts of our life even if we don’t know it.

We all need a little help sometimes.

Asking for help can be so hard. Today independence and autonomy are such highly prized and valued attributes. It seems we are brought up to believe that self-reliance is the definitive succesful personality trait.   A  bit weird considering how much many of us crave attachment and intimacy.

John Boulby an emminante psychologist theorised that we are actual born with an instinct to attach and form dependancies on others. He talked about us needing a ‘secure base’, not a physical home but an emotional home that is experienced through those that share our attachment.

Its great to feel strong and independant, but sometimes this is expressed as a defence or an affirmation that doesn’t reflect the real feelings inside.
Maybe real strength is being able to face and accept our true feelings, to be able to reach out, express our vulnerability and ask the people around us for help.